International Bereaved Mother’s Day
Today is International Bereaved Mother’s Day. It is a hard day for me. I am joyful, because I have this amazing opportunity to celebrate my son Zachary, who died eight years ago, BUT I am also bulldozed by sadness. I miss him. The day he was born feels like yesterday – and also a lifetime ago. I wish he was here. I doubt I will ever stop wishing this.
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Over spring break a few months ago, my family visited Disneyland for a couple days. As we drove to LA, we chatted as a family about our excitement. Then I said,
“I wish Zachary was with us to have this fun experience.”
Then the waterworks erupted. My husband, Aaron, put a loving hand on my knee as he drove. I cried big fat tears.
At Disneyland, we bought a Star Wars Mickey hat for Zachary. It’s on my lap (Alexis). This is something we will add to Zachary’s memory box.
International Bereaved Mother’s Day is another trigger reminding me of all I have lost. Of my sweet baby. Of our future that I had imagined so intently. So vividly.
BUT, and this is a BIG BUT, I choose to find the joy in my situation. I cannot change it, so I want to let love in and embrace the beautiful mystery of life (despite the challenge that it feels in some moments).
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Today I am choosing to remember the sweet memories I have of Zachary while I carried him inside of me. That was a sacred time. A sacred bond between mother and child. I loved Zach from the beginning and I will love him till the end.
I am also thankful that I can still mother him in my own special way. We talk a lot in our family about how we carry Zachary with us in our hearts. This bond is something I believe we all cherish. Even though my two rainbow babies, Eden and Luca, often say they wish they could have met Zach, like Hannah did, I do see they feel comforted knowing their big brother is with them.
Other ways I continue to mother Zachary is through subtle things, like thinking about him, looking at his pictures which we have displayed in our home, and by taking about him.
I will continue to mother Zach through his birthday cakes our family bake every year on his birthday and death-day. Through including him in memory in all our important family events. By bringing his bear and photo when we take family pictures. Hanging his stocking at Christmas. By the gifts of time and love Aaron and I show to other bereaved moms and dads, supporting them however we can because we get it. We’ve been there.
The year I sewed stockings for my living kids and one for Zach.
The year Zachary would have turned two. We always have fun as a family baking him a special cake.
International Bereaved Mother’s Day is both a hard day but also a blessing. I am thankful for the public appreciation for what bereaved mother’s have endured and the continued support we still need months and years after our children have died.
Today, I take a deep breath.
I pause.
I remember, am grateful, and choose joy.
Thank you Zachary.
I love you. I miss you. I celebrate you today and always.
I am so thankful I am your mama.
Love, love, love you my boy.
I believe our stories matter. If you would like to share the story of how you met your baby, your child that died, and the special place they hold in your family, please email me at info@alexismariechute.com
One of our family photos holding Zachary’s bear, which we received from the hospital at the time of his birth/death.
Also, please consider adding your child to our Celebrating Sweeties page. This is a compassionate, safe place to share your child’s photo, name, and birth-death dates. Click here to learn more about Celebrating Sweeties.
I wish you were not celebrating International Bereaved Mother’s Day with me. I really do. I am so sorry for your loss, but I am thankful that you are reading this, that you are a part of the Wanted Chosen Planned Community. Please reach out if you need support.
Sending you love and hugs today, and always.
– Alexis Marie Chute
My husband Aaron finishes putting Zachary’s sleeper on at the feet. Zachary had already passed but we wanted to dress him in the outfit we planned for him to wear home, but he never made it home with us, we had to say goodbye at the hospital.
Mama and Zach. Photo by C U Photography, a Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep volunteer photographer.
