Three Years of Remembering and Unexpected Surprises

Zachary’s third birthday, also the day of his death, fell over the Canadian Thanksgiving weekend this year. This was timely as I have much to be thankful for regarding Zach.

Remebering photo copyright Alexis Marie Chute

Small pieces I keep displayed for remembrance.

I am thankful for thirty weeks of kicks and the magic bond between mother and child.

I am thankful for his life, however brief.

I am thankful I held him alive for just a few moments.

I am thankful for the strength he seemed to give me to survive.

I am thankful that he has given me a passion to help others.

I am thankful that I still feel him with me.

 

It has taken me a month to write this post, not out of busyness, but because of what shocked me on the day we celebrated and remembered…

The best way to start the day.

The best way to start the day.

We began Zachary’s birthday as we always do, with a plentiful breakfast and time as a family. My husband Aaron, daughter Hannah, son Eden and I went for a walk through the autumn foliage. At home we baked a cake and lit Zachary’s candle – the candle I lit for the first time on his original due date and have lit on the anniversary of his death every year since. This was year number three. It’s hard to believe my son would have been three years old – that breaks my heart.

The autumn colors were amazing.

The autumn colors were amazing.

Aaron on our walk.

Aaron on our walk.

Eden enjoying the outdoors. We took a family photograph on the bridge and held the bear given to us by the hospital.

Eden enjoying the outdoors. We took a family photograph on the bridge and held the bear given to us by the hospital.

At the end of the day, Aaron and I continued a tradition of spending time together and looking at the scrapbooks I made of Zachary’s birth and the one sole photo album we have of him. This was when the first surprise came. I surprised myself actually. The emotion that flared out of me? Anger amidst a torrent of tears.

Zachary's candle.

Zachary’s candle.

Hannah has always been an important part of lighting Zach's candle - she understands.

Hannah has always been an important part of lighting Zach’s candle – she understands.

I feel like I am writing the same blog post as I did for Zachary’s second birthday, and his first as well. The anger that rose up in my chest at the close of all those days has been the same from year to year. This surprised me.

Somehow I thought that time would continue to lessen my emotion, would numb parts of my experience, which it has in some ways – yet the ager remained. I am not an angry person or feel this emotion daily. The daily anger at my loss left me two years ago if I recall correctly.

Mommy and daughter baking something yummy.

Mommy and daughter baking something yummy.

Hannah placed every sprinkle with loving care.

Hannah placed every sprinkle with loving care.

This anger at the injustice of my son’s death, at my helplessness to change the past and bring Zachary back will likely never fully leave me I realize. But who knows. All that is certain is that my love for my son continues to grips me deeply and its force surprises me still.

Truly the heat of love burns but I am thankful for its warmth of remembrance. 

Flowers from my mom. I love it when other people remember Zach. It means the world to me actually.

Flowers from my mom. I love it when other people remember Zach. It means the world to me actually.

One thing I would like to note: We did something new this year. The four of us in our little family wrote Zachary a letter or made him a drawing. We sealed them in envelopes and added stamps. We mailed them to ourselves. When the letters arrived a few days later, stamped and dated, this too was a surprise as if I forgot they were coming. It was a nice surprise.

I put the unopened letters in Zachary’s memory box where they will await us until next year when we open them and write new letters. I think it will be a special way for us to see how we grow as a family. This letter project creates a legacy of new memories. It will also give me something to scrapbook in a few years.

Aaron writing a letter to Zachary.

Aaron writing a letter to Zachary.

Hannah, almost four years old, had a great time drawing pictures for Zachary.

Hannah, almost four years old, had a great time drawing pictures for Zachary.

It was a pleasant surprise when four letters for Zachary arrived in the mail a few days later.

It was a pleasant surprise when four letters for Zachary arrived in the mail a few days later.

2 Comments

  1. georgia
    Jan 11, 2014

    this is so special, and it makes me look forward to celebrating our daughter’s first birthday. even though i am sure that all the touch emotions will flare up in me as well. i may even use your idea of writing letters from each of us to our daughter.

    • Alexis Marie
      Jan 15, 2014

      The letter writing idea is something I’m really looking forward to next year. I think opening the previous years’ letters will be greatly meaningful and enlightening also to the changing face of grief.
      Thanks for commenting.

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